What Am I Talking About?
Its bizarre waking up in the morning, heart racing, feeling hot and sweaty even though the room is freezing cold. I feel sick to the stomach and I can't stop watching that damn clock. It's 11.08am, not long to go, a few hours or so. So I decide to read my book, but the words just fall flat... if you know what I mean.
She understands but does not comprehend.
If I don't succeed in my task then I will feel infuriated, but my nerves get the better of me, almost all the time. Its not the going into the unknown... because going into the unknown always ends up better than what it looks like in your head. Today I'm doing something that I've done many times before, actually twice... so not that many times but it feels more because i'm an idiot and i'm good at working myself up into an uncrontrolable state. For example I couldn't even write my name last time... in fact that amused me a little. I had never shaken through fear enough, so that I was not able to write my own name.
It's stupid, everyone goes through this at some point if they choose to. Ands that's the thing, I've chosen to do this, no one is forcing me... this is of my own doing. Yet I am putting such high importance on it that it makes it seem like a matter of life or death... when really... its not. I think i'm afraid of letting certain people down... and (wait for the opera bit) i'm afraid of letting myself down. THIS IS IDIOTIC!!!!
I wish that someone would come upto me and give me a slap and say 'pull yourself together woman!!' I think I might be okay then. Who knows.
11.16
Starting to feel a bit better. Heart rate is going down a little. I've been taking the Bach's Remedy for calming you down but I don't think its been working as I haven't calmed down. Peppermint tea works for the dodgy stomach. I haven't been sick yet, which is good cause I was quite ill last time. Deep breaths. Surely I should feel excited... I was feeling excited yesterday, giddy excited. Like Christmas... no thats bullshit.
Okay, listen... if this goes well today it could lead to liberation. LIBERATION from what you ask.
For I am not going to tell you. Now that is a secret.
until about 6pm tonight!
(that's when i'll be back on I reckon!)
She understands but does not comprehend.
If I don't succeed in my task then I will feel infuriated, but my nerves get the better of me, almost all the time. Its not the going into the unknown... because going into the unknown always ends up better than what it looks like in your head. Today I'm doing something that I've done many times before, actually twice... so not that many times but it feels more because i'm an idiot and i'm good at working myself up into an uncrontrolable state. For example I couldn't even write my name last time... in fact that amused me a little. I had never shaken through fear enough, so that I was not able to write my own name.
It's stupid, everyone goes through this at some point if they choose to. Ands that's the thing, I've chosen to do this, no one is forcing me... this is of my own doing. Yet I am putting such high importance on it that it makes it seem like a matter of life or death... when really... its not. I think i'm afraid of letting certain people down... and (wait for the opera bit) i'm afraid of letting myself down. THIS IS IDIOTIC!!!!
I wish that someone would come upto me and give me a slap and say 'pull yourself together woman!!' I think I might be okay then. Who knows.
11.16
Starting to feel a bit better. Heart rate is going down a little. I've been taking the Bach's Remedy for calming you down but I don't think its been working as I haven't calmed down. Peppermint tea works for the dodgy stomach. I haven't been sick yet, which is good cause I was quite ill last time. Deep breaths. Surely I should feel excited... I was feeling excited yesterday, giddy excited. Like Christmas... no thats bullshit.
Okay, listen... if this goes well today it could lead to liberation. LIBERATION from what you ask.
For I am not going to tell you. Now that is a secret.
until about 6pm tonight!
(that's when i'll be back on I reckon!)
posted by Emma at 11:15 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home