Anxiety, damn I hate it.

I get pangs of anxiety every now and then. It starts off with heart palpitations, which starts me thinking about the fact that I am alone, and if I collapse no one will find me before its too late. My flat mate is thumping about in the room next to me. That sort of thing would usually annoy me but in this state I am in at the moment, it makes me feel calm.

It's nice knowing someone’s about.

It's the most bizarre thing- panic. It completely plays with your body and mind. In fact they are so violent you really do feel, to be completely blunt and honest, as if you are going to die. I used to get them at home a lot and it was always the heart palpitations which would start them off. It only happens when I’m alone; therefore I have a total fear of being alone. However a couple of hours ago, if that, I was enjoy my solidarity and was ready for a peaceful nights sleep. Now peace reminds me of being alone, loneliness. I have some subtle pop music on at the moment. Kylie, Automatic Love. Nothing too harsh or meaningful, just a simple love song.

I knew this would happen sometime when I started University. I should take comfort in the fact I had blood tests before I came and they turned out normal. A while before that I had a few heart tests done, and Dr Westwood said that I was perfectly healthy. Yet whilst just writing that I am in fear that I will jinx my good health.

I wish there was a pill I could take for anxiety- preferably one without side affects. The attacks creep up on you at the strangest moments. I've had them since I was a child. I hated going to bed. I knew as soon as the light went out, I’d fill with a certain dread. My chest would ache, my throat would feel as if it would swell, my hands would get clammy, and my tongue would feel fat and thick. The air would be suffocating me, and I would think that I’m too young to die...someone save me.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I wouldn’t panic, I wish I wasn't stupid because that’s what it is, stupidity. I know now I must remain positive and most of all remain calm. I will leave my music on; I won't feel alone, like someone is here.

21st September 2003

Grumble Grumble...do i have to?

Nearly three years on and the liberty is wearing very thin. Surviving on just under £3000 a year, paying rent, bills and food on that amount is almost seeming impossible. I swear my liver is eroding and have roughly 1years sleep to catch up on. Living in a house where mould has become the additional housemate - is no longer amusing.

These last three months of student life are a drag. I feel old, tired and pretty much exactly as I did when I was at the end of my few years of college (except i didn't feel old or tired). I was excited, impatient, optimistic about my future and just couldn't wait to leave home. Yet now it's all completely changed. I'm trying to concentrate on not wasting my time at university by coming out with a decent degree. Yet I feel I must use this time to party hard, get wasted everynight and so on. But then as opposed to a bottle of JD and a loud club, a film and a hot cup of coco are so unbelievably appealing and I find myself wishing for the quiet life. And I actually enjoy going home. I can't wait to leave Uni, move back into civilisation and get a job and earn some money. However I feel that in five to ten years time, i'll be looking back on these days wishing that I was 21 again.

Being a student I have discovered that:
After ritually watching 'This Morning', Phil and Fern become your surrogate parents,
This is amazing...you learn how to survive on £25 a month and also...
...Toast becomes part of a balanced diet,
You also get way into Neighbours, i'm still trying to figure out whether this is good or bad.

Am I just weird or are other people starting to feel the same as me? Maybe it's just because i'm very tired right now and I know that in a week from now, i will be back in my student house unable to sleep because of one fo the following:

-Hearing the drunken cries of the streets.
-Hearing the drunken cries of my housemates.
-Or just hearing very loud cries of sex- honestly its like living with pornstars.

Just over three months to go... I feel like a child waiting for their birthday to come. I know that when I leave uni I may do the cliche graduate/student thing and go traveling. I can't wait and I think that's whats initiating those feelings that I described earlier. It's odd not knowing whats going to happen next. All through my life its been, primary school, high school, college and then uni. I always knew what I was doing next, but now I have no idea.