Anxiety, damn I hate it.
I get pangs of anxiety every now and then. It starts off with heart palpitations, which starts me thinking about the fact that I am alone, and if I collapse no one will find me before its too late. My flat mate is thumping about in the room next to me. That sort of thing would usually annoy me but in this state I am in at the moment, it makes me feel calm.
It's nice knowing someone’s about.
It's the most bizarre thing- panic. It completely plays with your body and mind. In fact they are so violent you really do feel, to be completely blunt and honest, as if you are going to die. I used to get them at home a lot and it was always the heart palpitations which would start them off. It only happens when I’m alone; therefore I have a total fear of being alone. However a couple of hours ago, if that, I was enjoy my solidarity and was ready for a peaceful nights sleep. Now peace reminds me of being alone, loneliness. I have some subtle pop music on at the moment. Kylie, Automatic Love. Nothing too harsh or meaningful, just a simple love song.
I knew this would happen sometime when I started University. I should take comfort in the fact I had blood tests before I came and they turned out normal. A while before that I had a few heart tests done, and Dr Westwood said that I was perfectly healthy. Yet whilst just writing that I am in fear that I will jinx my good health.
I wish there was a pill I could take for anxiety- preferably one without side affects. The attacks creep up on you at the strangest moments. I've had them since I was a child. I hated going to bed. I knew as soon as the light went out, I’d fill with a certain dread. My chest would ache, my throat would feel as if it would swell, my hands would get clammy, and my tongue would feel fat and thick. The air would be suffocating me, and I would think that I’m too young to die...someone save me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I wouldn’t panic, I wish I wasn't stupid because that’s what it is, stupidity. I know now I must remain positive and most of all remain calm. I will leave my music on; I won't feel alone, like someone is here.
21st September 2003
It's nice knowing someone’s about.
It's the most bizarre thing- panic. It completely plays with your body and mind. In fact they are so violent you really do feel, to be completely blunt and honest, as if you are going to die. I used to get them at home a lot and it was always the heart palpitations which would start them off. It only happens when I’m alone; therefore I have a total fear of being alone. However a couple of hours ago, if that, I was enjoy my solidarity and was ready for a peaceful nights sleep. Now peace reminds me of being alone, loneliness. I have some subtle pop music on at the moment. Kylie, Automatic Love. Nothing too harsh or meaningful, just a simple love song.
I knew this would happen sometime when I started University. I should take comfort in the fact I had blood tests before I came and they turned out normal. A while before that I had a few heart tests done, and Dr Westwood said that I was perfectly healthy. Yet whilst just writing that I am in fear that I will jinx my good health.
I wish there was a pill I could take for anxiety- preferably one without side affects. The attacks creep up on you at the strangest moments. I've had them since I was a child. I hated going to bed. I knew as soon as the light went out, I’d fill with a certain dread. My chest would ache, my throat would feel as if it would swell, my hands would get clammy, and my tongue would feel fat and thick. The air would be suffocating me, and I would think that I’m too young to die...someone save me.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I wish I wouldn’t panic, I wish I wasn't stupid because that’s what it is, stupidity. I know now I must remain positive and most of all remain calm. I will leave my music on; I won't feel alone, like someone is here.
21st September 2003
posted by Emma at 4:42 pm
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